Here goes nothing

Throughout my life I have been told by numerous people that I have an aptitude for writing and I should do it more often. The thought of pursuing it as a career or even as any sort of regular outlet at the same time thrills and terrifies me. Every once in a while I’ll get on a writing kick and knock out a little poetry, a short story or a chapter of my “memoirs”, but these are generally private ventures. I terribly want to impress you, so I will sometimes share these writings… but then comes the fear that you now expect great things of me and I will be unable to live up to those expectations. This fear takes over and I just shut down again. Rather than picking up a pen to take a chance at something special, “I will diminish and go into the West and remain Galadriel.”

Maybe, just maybe, Galadriel could write down some observations on her journey to the West, though. Perhaps I could Dread Pirate Roberts my way into writing: “Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.” Alcoholics have a way of doing things one day at a time. Maybe it’s time I practiced this principle in all of my affairs; taking this one post at a time. I can’t guarantee this blog is going anywhere. Perhaps this will be yet another false start. “Good post, Laurie. Sleep well. You’ll most likely give up on it in the morning.” Perhaps I’ll surprise myself, though, and remember to treat this endeavor just like everything else. There are no more big deals; life does not depend on whether or not I write; my personal worth does not depend on what you think about my writing; and most importantly… don’t take myself so damned seriously.

This fear of writing has haunted me my whole life. Over the years, I’ve learned that the best way to overcome your fears is to walk through them. Many say, “Fake it ’til you make it.” I much prefer what my friend Anna says, “No! You don’t fake it! If you do, you’re pretending you’re something you’re not and we have to be true to ourselves. What you do is you practice. You decide that you are going to do things differently and you practice until you get better at it.” (No, that’s not a direct quote. I’m pretty sure she threw in a few choice words when she told me, but this was the gist of it.) So this is me practicing. I will fail, and failing here means failing publicly… but that is alright. I will live and I will learn from my failures. Today, I will pick up my pen and I will trust God to guide it. (And I will not re-read this post 700 times picking out all the things I should have done differently.)

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2 responses to “Here goes nothing”

  1. milkandheels says :

    I appreciate you sharing your feelings. There comes a time when you just have to face the fears so they are no longer fears!
    Thanks!

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