Good morning apathy.
Depression is a hideous disease. For all my efforts to treat, cure, control or contain it over the past 15 years or so, it’s still got a mind of its own. Even as a child, I struggled with the icy hand of morbid apathy at my throat. In all that time, I’ve only ever had one true suicidal spell (June 26, 2008), but there have been countless times I’ve found myself blindsided by crippling nothingness.
Here I sit, on the edge of paradise and it’s all I can do to drag my ass out of bed today. While I am thrilled with the opportunity to be here on this beautiful sunny beach in a gorgeous resort that will cater to my every whim (meeting planners do have some amazing perks), it all seems to be mocking me. My room service omelette was about the best thing I’ve ever eaten… but just ordering it was so exhausting that I felt I had to take a nap after I ate it. The live band I can hear from the pool below is playing my favorite music, but I’m just lying here annoyed that housekeeping is knocking again, wanting to clean up after me. And probably the worst part of all of this is the full understanding of how absurd it is too feel so low today.
Yesterday was great. We got some real peace of mind about the meeting as things started falling into place. I got to meet some friends of Bill out here and even imparted some wisdom on a newcomer. I ate the best ever shrimp while watching a gorgeous sunset over the water and explored a cutesy downtown full of friendly folks… and today I just want to disappear. I feel a bit like that scene in Trainspotting when Renton is sitting in the booth with his family and everyone is in fast forward, hustling and bustling, but he just sits motionless and waits for time to pass.
I’m not complaining. Yes, it is sad and confusion, but it will pass; it always does. Today, I’ll just pray, be grateful, and get my butt in gear, despite my feelings. God can’t work through me if I don’t get out there to let Him. This too shall pass.