These are the times that try moms’ souls.
I’m leaving today for retreat, so I’ll be on radio silence for a couple of days. I was actually hoping to already be out there, but “what you plan and what takes place ain’t ever exactly been similar.”
A BFF who was on team when I was a retreatant last year warned me the devil would try to attack me before the retreat. I’m not a big believer in attacks from the devil, but I do remember that I had some difficulties last year… and I try to be polite and a little more open to others’ wisdom through experience, so I took her words under advisement. So far, so good, though. The big meeting was stressful, but went off well. Biggie & I had a bit of a rough adjustment upon my return, but I’m used to the fact that these meetings put a strain on our relationship, so I was prepared for some weirdness when I got home and it turned out to be one of the easier adjustments we’ve had. Yesterday, I started getting excited about the adventure and thought maybe I’d make it there without any major drama.
WRONG! I just got done throwing a temper-tantrum which would make any two-year-old proud. Seriously. Full-on crying, screaming, flailing, pouting and negating.
You know, recovery is nothing like I expected it to be. LIFE is nothing like I expected it to be. I threw a fit today because I’m tired of being “the bigger man.” Once I finally settled down and was able to hear back from God (much softer and gentler than the way in which I was attempting to communicate at Him), I realized this nonsense I’m dealing with right now has been necessary to create something better. It’s like “The Monkey’s Paw.” Good things can’t just materialize out of thin air. There is a balance to life and sometimes pain & pleasure go hand in hand.
I always say that recovery would be easier if I were the only sick person in my life. Unfortunately, though, like attracts like, so that means I’m surrounded by idiots. …I mean sick people. We’re not bad people trying to be good, but sick people trying to get well. And they are not evil people trying to undermine us at every turn, but people who aren’t ready to admit they’re sick, too.
The “living amends” and living “life on life’s terms” can be very tricky sometimes. To a black and white thinker, compromise has a tendency to look a little too grey. When juggling a few living amends at the same time, sometimes we have to do things that feel wrong in order to do something right. I much prefer dealing with people in recovery who can handle honesty and are willing to work together to meet a common goal. So many people are so used to lies and manipulation, though, that occasionally I find I have to go that route. It always makes me feel creepy. Today, after my little fit, though, I got a real sense of peace and ease. This is not me falling back into old behavior, but using the skills I have to do the work I must do.
Who am I to judge another’s behavior? I’m getting much better about not doing that. When it comes to judging myself, though, ego rules. If God is okay with me using less than stellar behavior to do His work (and He did seem to be pretty cool with His Son throwing some tables around in the Temple once upon a time), then who am I to say this is a bad thing? Isn’t it possible that these things I struggle so badly with are the very things by which He is going to bless me?
Please keep me, my team and all our retreatants in your prayers. God is going to work something big with us this weekend and I am excited to see what that is.