About a year ago, I found out about The Live Sincerely Project and I signed the pledge to live sincerely. It’s hard to believe it hasn’t even been a year, because it feels like this pledge has haunted me forever.
When I first signed it, I printed out a copy of the pledge and posted it to the bulletin board directly behind my computer so that I stare at it every day. Of course I don’t read it often, but I do glimpse that headline and it grips me. It glares at me accusingly – are you living your life to its fullest potential? Funny thing is, somewhere along the line my brain did this flip turning this beautiful pledge to be honest with myself, to respect myself and to not force myself to live a way which seems unnatural into some sort of “Dead Poet’s Society” pledge, vowing to “suck the marrow out of life.”
This weekend, I was contemplating some changes I’ve found myself in the midst of, mulling over some recent conversations, then today I wake up to realize it’s AA’s 78th birthday. All of this big, new-ness made me think of the Live Sincerely Pledge – how I had been avoiding it because I didn’t feel I was doing enough, and that perhaps this wind of change will bring out that life marrow for me so that I can proudly post my “Live Sincerely” picture online. So I went back to the website and re-read the pledge (you know, the one I have posted directly in front of my face daily).
I was talking to a friend recently who is feeling uncomfortable, like she’s in a rut, because she hasn’t been growing like she was a year ago. She’s got that nervous “when is the next shoe going to drop?” feeling that so many of us alcoholics who have worked diligently to ruin our lives often get when things are quiet. I asked her to consider if perhaps God’s just telling her she’s doing good as is & keep it up. After sitting with this same stifling “okay-ness” for the past two years or so, I definitely recognized the “that’s not comforting” look on her face. Somewhere along the line, though, I did learn that sometimes it’s okay to be okay; that I don’t have to be constantly growing, doing bigger, better, more!
I realize now that perhaps that “somewhere along the line” happened about a year ago when I signed this pledge. Even though my brain was still trying to crucify me on the marrow of life, my heart remembered the words and… wouldn’t you know? I HAVE been living sincerely all this time, without even realizing it. That little addict in my head is so sneaky, always trying to convince me that I am not doing enough. I know better though. Thank God for the quiet times in life when nothing is progressing and nothing is falling apart. Today, they remind me that I AM ENOUGH.