Stuff! And things! And whatnot!!

secretI’ve never been exceptionally good about the whole “secrets” thing. When I first heard the phrase “You’re only as sick as your secrets,” I was all, “OMG! YES!!” It’s a wonder my family isn’t Egyptian, as much time as we’ve spent in denial. I grew up knowing my home life was not like everyone else’s, but nobody seemed too terribly concerned about that. All the odd stuff was just swept under the rug or joked about and all the anger and fear was simply hidden. I knew things weren’t right, but I had no power to change them.

As soon as I could, I got away from there and began begging everyone to fix me. I had had enough of the secrets. I just wanted some validation – I wanted someone to tell me, “You’re right, these things are abnormal and I’m sorry you had to go through them.” Out in the world, though, I found out that everyone else was busy with their own lives. They had their own issues they were dealing with and they didn’t have the time or the know-how to fix me.

When I first saw the fifth step, I was giddy! “Finally, I get to tell someone all my secrets and they’re going to fix me!” Well, anyone who’s done a fifth step knows that’s not exactly how it works. Still, it was exactly what I needed and I have made peace with much of my past. Yeah, I can still recognize that much of what I experienced was abnormal and there are some things that still make me very sad, but it doesn’t affect my person like it used to and I don’t have to run or hide from it anymore.

I’m often surprised when people aren’t as eager to unveil the secrets that are trying to kill them as I am. There are things about myself I still don’t want to face sometimes, but I know that I can’t get past them until I bring them into the light of day and really examine them. I don’t always want to get rid of my character defects immediately (I’m sure a big fan of procrastination), but when I discover I’ve been hiding something, I wanna scream it from the mountaintops! Yeah, I’m kind of a freak like that.

Likewise, I want to share all my goods and all my bads with the rest of the world because I want to feel this connection between us that only exists when we let down all the walls and coexist in our naked emotion. God is found in those connections where we use our experience, strength and hope to help one another, so why would we ever want to pretend? This is where the fallacy of man comes in. There are those people I simply can’t trust with my naked emotion. Too, there are those naked emotions that are just too close to my essence that I fear exposing too much.

Then, there is anonymity. In a world of nakedness, where we feel free enough to expose our souls to one another, we are often touched by the God in another person. This touch can bring about tremendous growth within us, but to share that growth with another is to betray the trust of one who has shown us their inner beauty and brokenness. So, here we stand on the chasm that separates humanness from Godliness, broken-hearted, because we want to share the change within us and show everyone the power of God working miracles in us, but we can’t or we will lose the connection provided by confidence.

All this is to say that there’s been a lot going on in the past few days and I’ve learned some big truths through the experiences of others. By allowing myself to open up to others, I’ve learned things about myself and found answers to problems I’ve sought my whole life. This is what happens when we really begin to “practice these principles in all our affairs.” I’m feeling very blessed today and very excited about new insights and I wish I could tell you more, but the truth is… God works in mysterious ways and I’m sure I couldn’t explain it even if I tried.

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2 responses to “Stuff! And things! And whatnot!!”

  1. carrythemessage says :

    Love this post. Very groovy and I get what you are saying completely. I too loved and looked forward to my 5th. I know, people look at you strange when you mention that, but seriously, I was damn ready to get it out. I needed to get it out or those things would have killed me outright.

    More importantly, keeping anonymity, and keeping certain things under wraps is also important. i don’t mean keeping secrets in the way that we keep those “other” secrets – the sick ones. Sometimes keeping things under wraps is called “confidentiality” or “respecting privacy” or any other positive things that allows us to have other confide in us and not share. Or when something happens to us and we leave it be. For whatever reason we need to. For me, there is also something about keeping pieces of me for me. I too love to open up (even other AA’s are surprised how open I am) but there is still a limit for me. Not everyone is ready to hear what I have to say, nor may they be interested. It’s about reading people.

    Anyway, I really did enjoy this – thank you for this.


    • littleman031103 says :

      Thanks. 🙂

      I was kind of working on something here and I think it worked out pretty well. Sometimes the big emotions kind of sweep you up and you just hope some of it will spill over onto others. This was one of those “less is more” kind of times and I hope people are able to hear whatever it is God needs them to hear through this.

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