Step 9

I just noticed that it has been more than a week since I posted my last blog post. I could provide you with plenty of tired excuses and some actual reasons for why I haven’t posted, but I know you don’t want to hear that. I have been inconsiderate of your role as faithful reader and have not done my part as faithful blogger. You have every reason and right to feel betrayed by my actions and I don’t want to disregard your feelings with an insincere mumbled apology. As an alcoholic, I know my apologies have become nothing but empty promises designed to build up false hope.

I am a flawed human being and I can’t guarantee I won’t let you down again. All I can tell you is that I have examined myself and discovered certain fears that have affected my actions in this relationship. Namely, I have been afraid that whatever I write will not be good enough and my insecurity is such that I feel this will lead you to believe that I am not good enough. I am working to correct this flawed rationale and I would love an opportunity to show you who I am when I am not ruled by my fears and insecurities.

And that’s how that’s done. Or at least a simple example, thereof. In “How it Works,” it says that “at some of [these steps] we balked.” Step 9 is the huge balking steps. It’s the one that makes people unwilling to write out a 4th step inventory because they think it means they’ve got to go kiss ass to everyone on their grudge list. Uhm, no. Please, please, please! If with nothing else, then at least with amends, please listen to your sponsor. I have made some exceptionally stupid “amends” in an effort to cut corners and allay my guilt. I even went to the jail to tell my then husband that I slept with his brother. Trust me, there are very, very, very bad amends.

Page 83 says, “We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.” Those of us who need to make amends to harms related to people pleasing find that these amends are often quite the opposite of apologies. I’ve had to make amends where I’ve very politely informed someone that I will no longer be subservient to them.

Most importantly, we have to follow up our words with action. We admit our mistakes and voice our intentions, but if we don’t continue forward in the relationship with a new attitude and new actions, then nothing has changed. In step 9, we practice the new life which the program provides us and we actually become the person God intends us to be.

“Fools make fun of guilt, but the godly acknowledge it and seek reconciliation.” Proverbs 14:9

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One response to “Step 9”

  1. carrythemessage says :

    I loved that intro…lol.

    Amends…yes! A balking step if there is ever one. And hey, I am no different. I am in the last few amends, and I have balked on a few. I know I have stalled, and have stalled before and gotten off my ass to get the next batch done. This last batch are probably some of the harder ones (i have had hard ones, but this is the final stretch) Plus some of these ones are ones who I don’t know where they are, etc. But I can say that all the ones I have done so far have been amazing. Freeing. Life saving, if you will. Being able to look the world (or at least a lot more people) in the eye. To not be looking over my back, or playing things over and over in my head, etc. And to do this and then realize it wasn’t all that big a deal. some are, but in the end…not a big deal. What freedom…I love this step. this is where rubber hits the road, literally, and the first time I have to get off my couch to work a step…lol. This is where reality hits and I realize “hell, my drinking did a lot of damage, my lifestyle and old thoughts and way of life hurt a lot of people” – this is the real deal!

    Thank you for sharing this – I wish that those who haven’t done amends realize how wonderful they are…once you get past the fear 🙂


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