I just noticed that it has been more than a week since I posted my last blog post. I could provide you with plenty of tired excuses and some actual reasons for why I haven’t posted, but I know you don’t want to hear that. I have been inconsiderate of your role as faithful reader and have not done my part as faithful blogger. You have every reason and right to feel betrayed by my actions and I don’t want to disregard your feelings with an insincere mumbled apology. As an alcoholic, I know my apologies have become nothing but empty promises designed to build up false hope.
I am a flawed human being and I can’t guarantee I won’t let you down again. All I can tell you is that I have examined myself and discovered certain fears that have affected my actions in this relationship. Namely, I have been afraid that whatever I write will not be good enough and my insecurity is such that I feel this will lead you to believe that I am not good enough. I am working to correct this flawed rationale and I would love an opportunity to show you who I am when I am not ruled by my fears and insecurities.
And that’s how that’s done. Or at least a simple example, thereof. In “How it Works,” it says that “at some of [these steps] we balked.” Step 9 is the huge balking steps. It’s the one that makes people unwilling to write out a 4th step inventory because they think it means they’ve got to go kiss ass to everyone on their grudge list. Uhm, no. Please, please, please! If with nothing else, then at least with amends, please listen to your sponsor. I have made some exceptionally stupid “amends” in an effort to cut corners and allay my guilt. I even went to the jail to tell my then husband that I slept with his brother. Trust me, there are very, very, very bad amends.
Page 83 says, “We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.” Those of us who need to make amends to harms related to people pleasing find that these amends are often quite the opposite of apologies. I’ve had to make amends where I’ve very politely informed someone that I will no longer be subservient to them.
Most importantly, we have to follow up our words with action. We admit our mistakes and voice our intentions, but if we don’t continue forward in the relationship with a new attitude and new actions, then nothing has changed. In step 9, we practice the new life which the program provides us and we actually become the person God intends us to be.
“Fools make fun of guilt, but the godly acknowledge it and seek reconciliation.” Proverbs 14:9