Heavy.

This is going to be quick and poorly written and unedited and most likely filled with foul language because all I have time for is a little stream of consciousness atm. I need to do a little bit of emotional vomit, though, so you, my poor, poor readers may want to get a raincoat (and galoshes for whatever bullshit comes next).

I’ve been putting off writing about what’s been going on lately. Well, actually, I haven’t really. I’ve written a few partial posts & just not finished them. It’s a lot of crap. A lot of stinky, nasty crap. I’ve been doing alright, but sometimes it all gets a little heavy.

In just over 2 months, I’ve lost 4 sober friends. Two to cancer and two too young to natural, though, unexpected illnesses. This week is bookended by memorial services. I am grateful that they died sober and that I had the chance to have them in my life, inspiring my sobriety. It’s just… a lot.

While all this death and whatnot has been going on, my husband has been dealing with a back injury which has put him out of work and really thrown his “five year plan” off track in a more involved way than simply being laid up for a while. So, we started off May as a two-income family and now shortly after I quit work to go back to school, we are faced with being a no-income family. And those piggy banks are looking pretty empty.

I am doing my best to mind my business because I have a full course load and don’t have time to fight with worker’s comp and disability and TWC and the VA and it doesn’t help my husband to be poking and prodding him to keep on top of everything.

I breathe. I pray. I go to school. I hug my kids. I meet with sponsees. And occasionally I cry.

I also stress & procrastinate & make myself sick.

We are not saints.

I’m really handling this much better than I could be, but I’m also just kind of treading water right now. This too shall pass. But right now it’s just really fucking heavy.

 

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5 responses to “Heavy.”

  1. staceymariej says :

    Its OK to cry and fall apart.
    Keep breathing.
    Xx

  2. mishedup says :

    wow…
    that is a LOT.
    I will be sending all good thoughts, prayers and metta meditation your way.
    yes, keep breathing, next indicated action, etc.
    you are loved in this world, and that’s a lot too.

  3. jrj1701 says :

    My feeble prayers are with you, and I know that God will help if you let Him, and you know this too, so keep up the good fight and don’t forget your sponsor.

  4. Naturally Toi says :

    Sending love and light that will overflow throughout your entire being! I pray God’s peace over your circumstances. Vomit out your vent and then change your perspective, read the Serenity Prayer. Find a positive way of looking at the negative things that you can’t change.
    Love and light to you/

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