Today Was a Good Day
There are no bad days in recovery. There are only good days and great days. The good days are when everything is going just fine and you stay sober. The great days are when everything is for shit and you still stay sober.
I’ve had a lot of good days lately. At least a month’s worth. I’m getting settled into the new semester pretty well. It’s difficult and it’s a whole lot more work than I’m used to doing, but it’s work that I love. The other night, I was engrossed in reading a textbook about research methods and felt this warmth radiate from inside me. At that moment, Johnny Depp could’ve walked in buck ass naked & I would’ve said, “Hon, I’m sorry, but I just can’t right now. I am busy doing exactly what I want to be doing.” I can’t ever remember a feeling quite like that before – where everything just felt completely perfect.
I have been overwhelmed and loving it. I am thinking more clearly. I have been reaching out to people who intimidate me and have been connecting with them on a personal level. I am starting to discover where I fit… and I almost feel sort of comfortable there. A lot of the fears I have had about school have really subsided and I am feeling more confident. I have made a regular habit of a meeting that I love and have dug into some serious Big Book and Bible studies. I’ve been working on this wonderful post for GD&T that has all these amazing references in it, but it’s gotten way out of hand. I need to work on focusing it better to make sure I am actually saying what I am trying to say. The point is, I am digging into life in a way I haven’t in a very long time. I am feeling LOVE. My sponsor talks about shooting love out her fingers to the rest of the world (I know it sounds weird. Just go with it). I actually feel like I can do that right now; like it’s just building up inside of me so much that it has to come bursting out all over the place.Good days. Very, very good days.
So today was the closest I’ve had to a great day in a very long time and it really hurt. I was tending to some business that I’ve kind of put off a bit and I got a little shock at the reality of how much trouble this situation is going to cause me. The full extent and the nature of this trouble is quite frustrating. I had to endure abuse that was completely uncalled for. I understand why I was treated the way I was today… as in, I can comprehend the psychological rationale behind the behavior. And I understand that whatever happens to me or what someone says about me is no reflection of who I really am. Therefore, I could preserve my pride and logically assert that I was not troubled by the way I was treated today. Head and heart are two completely different creatures, though. And I was reminded of why I had put off this bit of business for this long. I have not wanted to go there because I have shut the door to that sort of abuse and it feels so good to be free of it. It feels good to actually realize who I am when I allow someone who loves me to define who I really am. Me. I don’t have to listen to anyone else anymore telling me who I am or what I have to do. And so I have only listened to those voices which have loved and supported me. And I have felt loved. And I have felt supported.
And so when I so badly wanted to put this troubling situation on blast, I didn’t. Because that’s not who I am. That is not my character. I told my sponsor. I told another alcoholic. And I told a close friend who is a “normie” (so far as those people exist). I went to a meeting. I wrote. I cried. And I let those who love me, love me. And I smile… because if this is the extent to what my “great” days look like right now, then damn, my life is blessed!
I will continue to occasionally encounter those who will not let their demons die. And I will have those days when one or two of mine pop back up and try to control me. But today, I don’t have to listen to any of that crap. I can make better choices. I can choose to listen to the voice of Truth, to the voice of Love and Light, to that still, small voice inside of me who knows my true worth. I was reminded today that I have choices, and that where my life has been heading lately is a direct result of making positive choices for myself.
Today was a good day.